How trials turn into good

When we went through our failed adoption placement back the beginning of August of last year it was one of the toughest things both Shaileen and I have ever gone through. When we got the phone call about 12 or so hours before we were supposed to sign papers saying that she had changed her mind it was easily the toughest moments of my life and most likely Shaileens to. It felt like there was no reason to live and we held each other and bawled in the middle of the brick oven restraunt. People were probably wondering what the heck happened and what was going on. We tried to sleep but we ended up talking for a lot of the night and holding each other. I think I actually cried myself to sleep until the nightmares came. The way we were both able to make it through the insanity was because of the love, prayers and support of our family, friends, ward members and coworkers. We certainly would not have been able to make it through it without them. After the situation happened I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason and that we can and will make it and will be stronger because of it. The main reason I am writing today is to express that it is absolutely true that things happen for a reason. My favorite thing to tell people that I gained from the experience is Shaileen and I are closer and love each other even more today than we did back then. She is the rock in my life. I love her so much and she makes me a better person each and every day. Another thing as funny as it may sound is it has increased my testimony of the gospel especially the plan of salvation. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Shaileen and I will be parents one day and that we will be an eternal family. I cannot wait for the day that we get to take our child to the temple with us to be sealed for time and all eternity. The thing that has hit me the most that I truely appreciate is several people that we have met that are in the adoption community. They have made us stronger people and we love them so much. You know who are. Trials bring lots of darkness into our lives during the initial time that we are going through them but when we fight through the issues we can and will come out stronger and better people because of them. Like always I personally want to thank everyone for their love, support and kindness towards us. You really do not know how much that means to us.

Thoughts today on Adoption

I dont know why but I just had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to write down my feelings today that I am having. Again, I dont know why and this is all off of the top of my head so if it does not make sense I appologize.

I am so very thankful for the gift of adoption and the blessings that it has brought into not only my life but also Shaileen's. It is crazy to think that the placement has not even taken place yet but there are all of these blessings and trials that have made us so much stronger as a couple and individual. It is sad to say but when we started trying to have kids I was not ready to be a Dad and I think I knew that I wasn't ready either. Shaileen had been prepared growing up working at day cares and just having a motherly instinct. Sometimes I feel real bad because in the bottom of my heart I know that this trial that we have gone through with infertility has been for me. It has taught me to become more patient and not take children for grantid. I am so thankful of having Shaileen as a loving spouse to spend literally every second together. I love her so much and am so happy to spend eternity with her. She makes me a better person every day. I cannot wait to see her as a mother.

I am also thankful for the sacrifice of "J". She is one incredible woman and we have grown much love for her in the short time we have known her. It seems as if we have known her for a very long time. We were so nervous to meet her at lunch the first time and I won't lie it was a little ackward at first but after about 5-10 minutes it felt very natural. We sat and talked for either 3-4 hours, I don't remember how long but it was long. It is incredible to think that there is someone out there that trusts us so much that they are going to place with us. What an incredible gift she is able to provide. We are excited to grow even closer to her in the future and build that loving relationship for the little one. It is very important to Shaileen and I for our son to know who "J" is. I know that he is going to have a loving relationship with her as well.

Again, sorry if that did not make any sense. I would like to thank the people that follow our blog and have supported us through this adoption process and that will continue to support us. We Love You!

Kurt and Shaileen
(if she agrees with what I wrote, haha)