Angel in the House

Last night when I was on my way into work I had the feeling that I should stop by and get a redbox movie so I could watch it on my last night of graveyards. I didn't know why I was supposed to stop though because I had stopped a couple of times before and nothing sounded good at the redbox. Over the past year or so I have been really trying to follow promptings. I sure am glad that I did. The movie that I ended up getting was called Angel in the House. It looked kinda weird but I would recommend it. It matched some of the exact feelings that Shaileen and I have gone through. It is a movie about adoption, fostercare and infertility and the feelings that come with it. At the beginning of the movie the couple were at a fertility doctors office and they were told that they just could not conceive on their own and IVF treatments are thousands and thousands of dollars, with the husbands job failing they just could not afford it. I remember those meetings with the fertility doctor and driving home with Shaileen sad and frustrated because it seemed like we were wasting our time and money. It seemed as if thousands and thousands of dollars were being washed down the drain. Another thing was they were went to a fostercare kind of facility and the worker asked them if they had any of their OWN children. You could tell it hurt the wife deeply. There have been several times where people have asked us not knowing if we had children of our own or when we were going to try to have children. People do not mean to hurt but it is sometimes hard to hear from others. The main thing that hit me during this movie though is when the little boy in the movie said "The only way to be happy is to connect with the present." How true is this statement? We can only handle what is in front of us and not what is behind us. I need to be thankful for what I have. Yes, we have had failed adoption placements in the past but I need to think about and be thankful for the things I do have. The thing that I am most thankful for is Shaileen. She is perfect! As cheesy as it sounds, she completes me. I cannot wait to see her as a Mother. I realize that the best thing we can do right now is become as close as we can as husband and wife and love each other more and more. I read somewhere once that the most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. That I can do! Without giving away too much in the movie it also taught me that we can learn from our failed adoption placements. I have already learned so much. I have learned how much I can love our future child and how immediate it is. When we had Karder for those 24 hours I felt a small portion of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. I look forward to having that feeling again. Yes, I miss Sawyer and Karder so much that I cannot explain it but I know that Heavenly Father has our future in his hands.

Also, Shaileen posted this photo of Sawyer and Karder that I just had to share. I can't wait to see her as a mom. She is going to be the best! I love you babe!

Cant sleep cause can't stop thinking

It has only been a week since baby was taken out if our home. Most days are decent but today I could not get him off of my mind. I keep thinking of where he is at, how is he doing, is he getting what he needs. We were fully invested in this baby boy for almost 5 months getting ready and preparing. We were in with our hearts 100%. I keep wondering what I am doing wrong to stop Shaileen from becoming the mother that not only she deserves to be but our future son or daughter deserves. It is hard to see her not only sad but hurt. She deserves so much more. I am laying on the couch right now because I don't want to disturb Shaileen's sleep and I keep thinking that this is the exact position I was laying in just a week ago sleeping with baby right on my chest the happiest man in the world it is scary how fast things can be taken away. I know deep down that things will be ok but I just keep wondering why. WHY?

Coping

Let me be honest and say failed placements just stink. Honestly though for some reason or another we are doing much better than we ever thought we would have been. With us going through a failed placement in the past and knowing the ways that we cope with the sadness has certainly helped. However, the biggest thing that has helped is how everyone has been so gracious to us. The incredible thing is hardly no one knew about the situation we were in and the failed placement. We did not put it on facebook so lots of our personal friends do not know anything about it. The people that have helped Shaileen out mostly are all of her instagram girls. I have to say thank you to them. Even though she does not know any of them personally it has helped her out so much. We both have so much faith that Heavenly Father has everything worked out and with faith we will be molded the way he wants. Shaileen's relief society president emailed us and shared a wonderful story with us. I need to share it because I know a lot of people that read this blog are going through infertility and adoption just as we are. If it touched us this much I am positive that it will touch you guys too.

God's Embroidery: When I was a little, my mother used to embroider a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "My son, you go about your playing for awhile, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side." I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing." Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, "Father, what are You doing?" He has answered, "I am embroidering your life." I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?" The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."

Like always, I would be very ungrateful if I did not thank everyone for their love, support and especially their prayers. They are felt by both of us.

Failed adoption placement #2

Today was one of the hardest days of our lives. Let me tell the story even though it is going to be tough to write this. Back on Oct 30, 2012 we met "K". We met at Leatherbees and had the best conversation that we could have ever imagined and she pretty much told us that she loved us and wanted us to parent her unborn child that was to be born on March 20, 2013. She said that she was finding out the next day if it was a boy or girl. She asked us if we had a preference. We were really honest and said that we did not care but it would be much easier if it was a boy because we had all of the stuff.
The next day she sent us a message and said that the doctor did the ultrasound and said, "it is definitely a BOY." Our minds were racing in excitement just as we expected.
Over the next several months we became closer than we would have ever expected. We even considered each other best friends. During this time she received some really bad news that would cause this adoption plan to be an extremely high risk placement. I will not go into the intricate details here just for their privacy and the safety of the child. We were both really scared with the situation but decided together that we would proceed because that is what would be best for the child. Shaileen and I decided that we would only tell our immediate family and a few others ;again, just for his safety. It was extremely hard to keep it a secret and not shout it from the roof tops but we knew it would be best.
During the last several months due to what was going on with the adoption process K and baby were in major stress and it was causing him to be under stress in the womb. We were ejecting him to come early. On Thursday morning February 28, 2013 we got a message from K that she was in labor and had been since about 2AM. We got ready for the day real quick because we did not know what to expect throughout the day. We were extremely antsy the whole day. It caused us to spend lots of money because we did not want to just sit at home and drive ourselves crazy with anticipation. We received a message saying he was born at 3:43pm and both momma and baby were healthy and happy as can be. We were both elated knowing that our son was here on earth now. He hugged and kissed celebrating with more tears than you could imagine. A while later we got a photo and was such a good looking little boy. After that we did not hear any news for several hours. Both of us were getting worried. Not worried about a failed placement but about the health of K and baby boy. Later that night around 9:30pm we got a message saying that they have not forgotten about us and if we wanted to come over for a bit we could and could meet him. We felt really bad going over there because it was so late but we couldn't turn down the offer. We ran to the store to get some flowers and sped to the hospital in the car. We showed up and gave K big hugs and she handed baby to us. Holy crap, that was the best feeling I have ever felt. He was and is perfect. He was so tiny, with a full head of hair, luscious lips, the longest fingers, and we think he even had dimples. It immediately came to my mind that he was just in heaven with Heavenly Father. I immediately felt the spirit with him. He was so calm. We left that night the happiest couple in the world. We woke up the next day knowing they wanted us to go to the hospital. There was some major drama going on at the hospital that I will not elaborate on which caused pain for K emotionally. We didn't hear from them until late afternoon which was causing us to go insane wondering what was going on. Again, this caused us to spend way too much money that was not needed! When we got the call to go to the hospital we rushed there. It was so nice to see them. K's sister was there so we let her hold baby the whole several hours that we were there. We knew that if this placement were to take place it could be a while before they would see them most likely. So, we were happy that they were taking him in. We stayed for several hours and then decided that it would be best if we left to give them some time and for K to get a bit of sleep. On Saturday morning we woke up nice and early not knowing when discharge would be for K. Because of some things that were going on at the hospital it was a security threat and we were only going to gain temporary custody until some court stuff was resolved with another party. They were trying to figure out a bunch of stuff that I was talking about as well as K was really emotional and wanted her time with baby which is completely understandable. We started going insane and worrying when we had not heard from them by about 3pm approximately. With us going through a previous failed placement we did not know what to expect. We got the call to meet them at the hospital. It was one of the most bitter sweet calls I have ever received because I know that our happiest day ever was also the saddest day ever for K. As we were driving to the hospital I lost it and was bawling like a baby mostly because I was worried about K and the feelings she was going to have. I got myself put together as we pulled into the hospital. When w walked into the hospital room and saw K I lost it. You could tell that she was a mess all day with the placement that was about to take place. The nurse came in and told us the things we needed to know with baby. I then went out to the car and grabbed the car seat and clothes for him to change into. We let K have the honors of changing him and putting him in his car seat because she wanted to. The nurse said to let her know when we were ready to go. We told her that we needed a few minutes. We hugged it out and told each other how we all felt. When we left with the nurse almost immediately after we left the hospital room both Shaileen and I immediately broke down and stared to bawl in each others arms knowing how much pain she was going through. It is the most bitter sweet thing I can imagine. Like I said earlier it is crazy how someone's best day can also be someone's worst day ever. We got in the car and drove home. On the way we put our phones on speaker phone and called our family letting them they could come over to meet baby. We were at home for about an hour before family started to arrive. It was such a cool experience to have out families meet him for the first time. There were many tears of joy cried with excitement and people were at our home until almost 10pm. We were exhausted. We got ready for bed and put baby in the cradle in our room. He did not want to be mon his own. The only way he would sleep is if we were holding him. How I will cherish those moments last night in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us. He was so peaceful and absolutely perfect. I know that Shaileen really appreciates that time she had with him also. The next morning we woke up and even face timed with some family. I got a message that read "I am not sure is K can do this". I commented back to them trying to be as helpful and letting them know that we are here for them. A couple hours later I got another message saying that she needed to talk to us asking if she could come over. At that point we knew in our hearts what was going to happen next. Luckily for some reason or another it took them about an hour I would guess for them to show up at our house. During that time Shaileen and I held baby as tight as we could and cried. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that everything was going to be ok. That he would grow up to be just perfect. Shaileen was so heart broken that she hardly said anything, she just held him as tight and as close to her as possible crying so loudly that I was starting to get scared that was was doing damage to her body. After about 40 minutes or so we both calmed down enough to just sit and stare at baby. We were brushing our fingers through his hair, kissing on him, talking to him and doing what we learned that he loved most quickly, tickling him. When I noticed that they arrived I told Shaileen not to move and to take him in as much as she could. I went to the door and as soon as K came in we hugged and cried. I brought her back with some people she brought for support and she immediately went to Shaileen and hugged her and started crying. It is crazy how much love we have for these people even though we are hurting so much. We talked for about 45 minutes I would guess with tons of tears on both sides. We finally said our good-byes and we let them leave. Shaileen and I stood there and cried for quite a while. The next thing was almost just as hard. We had to get on our phones and call our families and tell them the news. It was extremely hard because it was not just us who was invested in this baby but grandparent, cousins, Aunts,uncles, grandparents, friends and ward members. We had a rough night but I know that we will make it through it. We are some of the most resilient people I know. The thing we ask is to not have any bad feelings towards K and her family. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and we love her very much. Baby is going to be watched for and protected very well, I am assured of that. The one thing we would ask for is all the prayers that we can get. We know that Heavenly Father surely answers our prayers. Certainly not in our own timelines but in his. We do not and will not know his plan until the afterlife but I am assured that there is a reason for everything. I am so lucky to have Shaileen as my wife for time and all eternity. She is the rock in my life and makes be want to be a better person every day. I love her with all of my heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will be a Mommy here one day to a boy or girl that will be so lucky to call her that. Shaileen, when you read this know that I will always be here for you regardless. We will make it through is even stronger as a couple than when we started. I LOVE YOU!
If I feel up to it tomorrow maybe I will put a few photos on here.