Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sawyer Relapse

So I had what I'm calling my "Sawyer relapse" last night. The talk in the morning session yesterday about the loss of a child got me thinking. I know he didn't die BUT we sure lost him. All day I thought about him but as soon as I got in bed I lost it. I haven't cried that hard since the day after. I cried straight for three hours... I could not stop. I don't know what came over me. I kept waking Kurt up so I decided I wanted to go sit in the baby room. I sat and looked through the photo album and cuddled with his teddy. I pondered the events that led up to the failed placement to see if I could figure out if there were any signs before that dreaded call that she was changing her mind. I can truly say that on our end we never saw any reservation from her. She never showed doubt to us... If anything every time we were together, even the days in the hospital, she did nothing but reassure us. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole thing. Kurt and I know that we were meant to be Sawyer's parents... Even though it was only for 3 days. I cherish every moment I was able to spend with him and miss him everyday. I can't wait for the day Kurt and I will become parents. It sure is hard waiting on the Lord's time. I also want Kurt to know how much I live and adore him and that my life would not be complete without him.
Thank you to everyone who gas helped us through this failed adoption journey. It is the hardest road I think I will ever travel... I'm just grateful we have all of you to help us along the way.


  1. *HUG* my heart hearts for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and praters always

  2. You are loved! It is hard that you have to experience the lows to get to the highs. In the Lord's time things will work out, just hard not knowing when or why things happen. You are one tough cookie and I think about you and Kurt everyday. You are in our thoughts and prayers, and so is your future birth mom :)