Angel in the House

Last night when I was on my way into work I had the feeling that I should stop by and get a redbox movie so I could watch it on my last night of graveyards. I didn't know why I was supposed to stop though because I had stopped a couple of times before and nothing sounded good at the redbox. Over the past year or so I have been really trying to follow promptings. I sure am glad that I did. The movie that I ended up getting was called Angel in the House. It looked kinda weird but I would recommend it. It matched some of the exact feelings that Shaileen and I have gone through. It is a movie about adoption, fostercare and infertility and the feelings that come with it. At the beginning of the movie the couple were at a fertility doctors office and they were told that they just could not conceive on their own and IVF treatments are thousands and thousands of dollars, with the husbands job failing they just could not afford it. I remember those meetings with the fertility doctor and driving home with Shaileen sad and frustrated because it seemed like we were wasting our time and money. It seemed as if thousands and thousands of dollars were being washed down the drain. Another thing was they were went to a fostercare kind of facility and the worker asked them if they had any of their OWN children. You could tell it hurt the wife deeply. There have been several times where people have asked us not knowing if we had children of our own or when we were going to try to have children. People do not mean to hurt but it is sometimes hard to hear from others. The main thing that hit me during this movie though is when the little boy in the movie said "The only way to be happy is to connect with the present." How true is this statement? We can only handle what is in front of us and not what is behind us. I need to be thankful for what I have. Yes, we have had failed adoption placements in the past but I need to think about and be thankful for the things I do have. The thing that I am most thankful for is Shaileen. She is perfect! As cheesy as it sounds, she completes me. I cannot wait to see her as a Mother. I realize that the best thing we can do right now is become as close as we can as husband and wife and love each other more and more. I read somewhere once that the most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. That I can do! Without giving away too much in the movie it also taught me that we can learn from our failed adoption placements. I have already learned so much. I have learned how much I can love our future child and how immediate it is. When we had Karder for those 24 hours I felt a small portion of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. I look forward to having that feeling again. Yes, I miss Sawyer and Karder so much that I cannot explain it but I know that Heavenly Father has our future in his hands.

Also, Shaileen posted this photo of Sawyer and Karder that I just had to share. I can't wait to see her as a mom. She is going to be the best! I love you babe!

Coping

Let me be honest and say failed placements just stink. Honestly though for some reason or another we are doing much better than we ever thought we would have been. With us going through a failed placement in the past and knowing the ways that we cope with the sadness has certainly helped. However, the biggest thing that has helped is how everyone has been so gracious to us. The incredible thing is hardly no one knew about the situation we were in and the failed placement. We did not put it on facebook so lots of our personal friends do not know anything about it. The people that have helped Shaileen out mostly are all of her instagram girls. I have to say thank you to them. Even though she does not know any of them personally it has helped her out so much. We both have so much faith that Heavenly Father has everything worked out and with faith we will be molded the way he wants. Shaileen's relief society president emailed us and shared a wonderful story with us. I need to share it because I know a lot of people that read this blog are going through infertility and adoption just as we are. If it touched us this much I am positive that it will touch you guys too.

God's Embroidery: When I was a little, my mother used to embroider a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "My son, you go about your playing for awhile, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side." I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing." Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, "Father, what are You doing?" He has answered, "I am embroidering your life." I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?" The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."

Like always, I would be very ungrateful if I did not thank everyone for their love, support and especially their prayers. They are felt by both of us.

1 week later...

It has been a week since we found out about our failed placement. It has been the hardest time of our lives but we are
Doing much better than we expected. We are so thankful to our family and friends that have been there for us. We have been trying to find positive things we can get out of this trial in our lives. We have found that we can build our relationship as a husband and wife even better. We want to have a relationship that our future son or daughter would want their parents to have. We are also going to take the opportunity to be as financially stable as we can. I am so thankful for Shaileen, I could not have a better wife on the planet. She is so great in putting up with my faults as a husband and making me the best man, husband and future father! I cannot wait for the day Shaileen is a Mother. She is such a loving, caring, humble, and nothing but perfect person. This past week has been tough but it has been so nice spending every second with Shaileen. We have had the opportunity to reflect, talk things through, and cry together ! It has helped this grieving process so much. I have to say that we are not looking forward to going back to work on Monday and getting back to regular life even though we know that is what is best for both of us. We just don't want all of the questions that will open up those feelings we are trying to push through. We have gotten lots of these questions already and have done great with them but we are both scared of the ones to come. With faith and prayer we can and will make it through this huge trial in our lives. We have felt so many prayers in our behalf already and it is hard to ask this but we would like to ask for prayers still. Not only for us but for any birth mother/father and child. We know Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we will trust in his plan. We know he knows what is best for us. Each of us has our agency and we need to be following the things we should do so great things will come our way for sure!