Praying for all in the adoption world

During the processes that we have gone through to get approved to adopt and now waiting/searching to find a child we have felt so many peoples prayers through all our success and struggles.There has been so much support for us and we truly appreciate it more than any of you could ever know. People have passed along our information and that is how we found the first 2 situations. Not just randomly, but because someone remembered us.

I am writing this because if you would be kind enough we would not only like you to pray for us but more to pray for all involved in the adoption world. We as hopeful adoptive parents make up a very small portion of people involved. In each of our prayers we have been praying for comfort for ourselves and patience. More importantly we ask for blessings for expectant parents, their children and their families. We don't pray that they will place their children but we ask that they will be comforted and know what is right for their situation, not ours. I cannot imagine the thoughts that run through the expectant parents heads when contemplating adoption and that is why we ask them to be comforted. With our 2 failed adoption placements we saw first hand how much of a loss it was going to be for not only the expectant parents but also their families.

Again I write this to please keep them in our prayers as well as us as you have already done because we feel them. Thank you.

Angel in the House

Last night when I was on my way into work I had the feeling that I should stop by and get a redbox movie so I could watch it on my last night of graveyards. I didn't know why I was supposed to stop though because I had stopped a couple of times before and nothing sounded good at the redbox. Over the past year or so I have been really trying to follow promptings. I sure am glad that I did. The movie that I ended up getting was called Angel in the House. It looked kinda weird but I would recommend it. It matched some of the exact feelings that Shaileen and I have gone through. It is a movie about adoption, fostercare and infertility and the feelings that come with it. At the beginning of the movie the couple were at a fertility doctors office and they were told that they just could not conceive on their own and IVF treatments are thousands and thousands of dollars, with the husbands job failing they just could not afford it. I remember those meetings with the fertility doctor and driving home with Shaileen sad and frustrated because it seemed like we were wasting our time and money. It seemed as if thousands and thousands of dollars were being washed down the drain. Another thing was they were went to a fostercare kind of facility and the worker asked them if they had any of their OWN children. You could tell it hurt the wife deeply. There have been several times where people have asked us not knowing if we had children of our own or when we were going to try to have children. People do not mean to hurt but it is sometimes hard to hear from others. The main thing that hit me during this movie though is when the little boy in the movie said "The only way to be happy is to connect with the present." How true is this statement? We can only handle what is in front of us and not what is behind us. I need to be thankful for what I have. Yes, we have had failed adoption placements in the past but I need to think about and be thankful for the things I do have. The thing that I am most thankful for is Shaileen. She is perfect! As cheesy as it sounds, she completes me. I cannot wait to see her as a Mother. I realize that the best thing we can do right now is become as close as we can as husband and wife and love each other more and more. I read somewhere once that the most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother. That I can do! Without giving away too much in the movie it also taught me that we can learn from our failed adoption placements. I have already learned so much. I have learned how much I can love our future child and how immediate it is. When we had Karder for those 24 hours I felt a small portion of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. I look forward to having that feeling again. Yes, I miss Sawyer and Karder so much that I cannot explain it but I know that Heavenly Father has our future in his hands.

Also, Shaileen posted this photo of Sawyer and Karder that I just had to share. I can't wait to see her as a mom. She is going to be the best! I love you babe!

Cant sleep cause can't stop thinking

It has only been a week since baby was taken out if our home. Most days are decent but today I could not get him off of my mind. I keep thinking of where he is at, how is he doing, is he getting what he needs. We were fully invested in this baby boy for almost 5 months getting ready and preparing. We were in with our hearts 100%. I keep wondering what I am doing wrong to stop Shaileen from becoming the mother that not only she deserves to be but our future son or daughter deserves. It is hard to see her not only sad but hurt. She deserves so much more. I am laying on the couch right now because I don't want to disturb Shaileen's sleep and I keep thinking that this is the exact position I was laying in just a week ago sleeping with baby right on my chest the happiest man in the world it is scary how fast things can be taken away. I know deep down that things will be ok but I just keep wondering why. WHY?

Coping

Let me be honest and say failed placements just stink. Honestly though for some reason or another we are doing much better than we ever thought we would have been. With us going through a failed placement in the past and knowing the ways that we cope with the sadness has certainly helped. However, the biggest thing that has helped is how everyone has been so gracious to us. The incredible thing is hardly no one knew about the situation we were in and the failed placement. We did not put it on facebook so lots of our personal friends do not know anything about it. The people that have helped Shaileen out mostly are all of her instagram girls. I have to say thank you to them. Even though she does not know any of them personally it has helped her out so much. We both have so much faith that Heavenly Father has everything worked out and with faith we will be molded the way he wants. Shaileen's relief society president emailed us and shared a wonderful story with us. I need to share it because I know a lot of people that read this blog are going through infertility and adoption just as we are. If it touched us this much I am positive that it will touch you guys too.

God's Embroidery: When I was a little, my mother used to embroider a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "My son, you go about your playing for awhile, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side." I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing." Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, "Father, what are You doing?" He has answered, "I am embroidering your life." I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?" The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."

Like always, I would be very ungrateful if I did not thank everyone for their love, support and especially their prayers. They are felt by both of us.

Sawyer Relapse

So I had what I'm calling my "Sawyer relapse" last night. The talk in the morning session yesterday about the loss of a child got me thinking. I know he didn't die BUT we sure lost him. All day I thought about him but as soon as I got in bed I lost it. I haven't cried that hard since the day after. I cried straight for three hours... I could not stop. I don't know what came over me. I kept waking Kurt up so I decided I wanted to go sit in the baby room. I sat and looked through the photo album and cuddled with his teddy. I pondered the events that led up to the failed placement to see if I could figure out if there were any signs before that dreaded call that she was changing her mind. I can truly say that on our end we never saw any reservation from her. She never showed doubt to us... If anything every time we were together, even the days in the hospital, she did nothing but reassure us. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole thing. Kurt and I know that we were meant to be Sawyer's parents... Even though it was only for 3 days. I cherish every moment I was able to spend with him and miss him everyday. I can't wait for the day Kurt and I will become parents. It sure is hard waiting on the Lord's time. I also want Kurt to know how much I live and adore him and that my life would not be complete without him.
Thank you to everyone who gas helped us through this failed adoption journey. It is the hardest road I think I will ever travel... I'm just grateful we have all of you to help us along the way.