No More Pain

Wow, It has been 1 year since Sawyer was born. This was our first failed placement. Boy, that year went by so quick. I thought it would be hard for me because he was born on my birthday. The weird thing is it does not bother me at all. Why you ask... It is because I have the sweetest little boy as a son. He has made all the pain of previous loss and infertility go away. As weird as it sounds it feels as if there is no pain whatsoever left. All has been forgotten. On this birthday I am just so thankful to be a Dad. I knew it would be an incredible day when it came but I had no idea it was going to be this great. To be able to go home every night and see him, spend time with him and just love on him makes my day. I look forward to it each and every day.

Praying for all in the adoption world

During the processes that we have gone through to get approved to adopt and now waiting/searching to find a child we have felt so many peoples prayers through all our success and struggles.There has been so much support for us and we truly appreciate it more than any of you could ever know. People have passed along our information and that is how we found the first 2 situations. Not just randomly, but because someone remembered us.

I am writing this because if you would be kind enough we would not only like you to pray for us but more to pray for all involved in the adoption world. We as hopeful adoptive parents make up a very small portion of people involved. In each of our prayers we have been praying for comfort for ourselves and patience. More importantly we ask for blessings for expectant parents, their children and their families. We don't pray that they will place their children but we ask that they will be comforted and know what is right for their situation, not ours. I cannot imagine the thoughts that run through the expectant parents heads when contemplating adoption and that is why we ask them to be comforted. With our 2 failed adoption placements we saw first hand how much of a loss it was going to be for not only the expectant parents but also their families.

Again I write this to please keep them in our prayers as well as us as you have already done because we feel them. Thank you.

Failed adoption placement #2

Today was one of the hardest days of our lives. Let me tell the story even though it is going to be tough to write this. Back on Oct 30, 2012 we met "K". We met at Leatherbees and had the best conversation that we could have ever imagined and she pretty much told us that she loved us and wanted us to parent her unborn child that was to be born on March 20, 2013. She said that she was finding out the next day if it was a boy or girl. She asked us if we had a preference. We were really honest and said that we did not care but it would be much easier if it was a boy because we had all of the stuff.
The next day she sent us a message and said that the doctor did the ultrasound and said, "it is definitely a BOY." Our minds were racing in excitement just as we expected.
Over the next several months we became closer than we would have ever expected. We even considered each other best friends. During this time she received some really bad news that would cause this adoption plan to be an extremely high risk placement. I will not go into the intricate details here just for their privacy and the safety of the child. We were both really scared with the situation but decided together that we would proceed because that is what would be best for the child. Shaileen and I decided that we would only tell our immediate family and a few others ;again, just for his safety. It was extremely hard to keep it a secret and not shout it from the roof tops but we knew it would be best.
During the last several months due to what was going on with the adoption process K and baby were in major stress and it was causing him to be under stress in the womb. We were ejecting him to come early. On Thursday morning February 28, 2013 we got a message from K that she was in labor and had been since about 2AM. We got ready for the day real quick because we did not know what to expect throughout the day. We were extremely antsy the whole day. It caused us to spend lots of money because we did not want to just sit at home and drive ourselves crazy with anticipation. We received a message saying he was born at 3:43pm and both momma and baby were healthy and happy as can be. We were both elated knowing that our son was here on earth now. He hugged and kissed celebrating with more tears than you could imagine. A while later we got a photo and was such a good looking little boy. After that we did not hear any news for several hours. Both of us were getting worried. Not worried about a failed placement but about the health of K and baby boy. Later that night around 9:30pm we got a message saying that they have not forgotten about us and if we wanted to come over for a bit we could and could meet him. We felt really bad going over there because it was so late but we couldn't turn down the offer. We ran to the store to get some flowers and sped to the hospital in the car. We showed up and gave K big hugs and she handed baby to us. Holy crap, that was the best feeling I have ever felt. He was and is perfect. He was so tiny, with a full head of hair, luscious lips, the longest fingers, and we think he even had dimples. It immediately came to my mind that he was just in heaven with Heavenly Father. I immediately felt the spirit with him. He was so calm. We left that night the happiest couple in the world. We woke up the next day knowing they wanted us to go to the hospital. There was some major drama going on at the hospital that I will not elaborate on which caused pain for K emotionally. We didn't hear from them until late afternoon which was causing us to go insane wondering what was going on. Again, this caused us to spend way too much money that was not needed! When we got the call to go to the hospital we rushed there. It was so nice to see them. K's sister was there so we let her hold baby the whole several hours that we were there. We knew that if this placement were to take place it could be a while before they would see them most likely. So, we were happy that they were taking him in. We stayed for several hours and then decided that it would be best if we left to give them some time and for K to get a bit of sleep. On Saturday morning we woke up nice and early not knowing when discharge would be for K. Because of some things that were going on at the hospital it was a security threat and we were only going to gain temporary custody until some court stuff was resolved with another party. They were trying to figure out a bunch of stuff that I was talking about as well as K was really emotional and wanted her time with baby which is completely understandable. We started going insane and worrying when we had not heard from them by about 3pm approximately. With us going through a previous failed placement we did not know what to expect. We got the call to meet them at the hospital. It was one of the most bitter sweet calls I have ever received because I know that our happiest day ever was also the saddest day ever for K. As we were driving to the hospital I lost it and was bawling like a baby mostly because I was worried about K and the feelings she was going to have. I got myself put together as we pulled into the hospital. When w walked into the hospital room and saw K I lost it. You could tell that she was a mess all day with the placement that was about to take place. The nurse came in and told us the things we needed to know with baby. I then went out to the car and grabbed the car seat and clothes for him to change into. We let K have the honors of changing him and putting him in his car seat because she wanted to. The nurse said to let her know when we were ready to go. We told her that we needed a few minutes. We hugged it out and told each other how we all felt. When we left with the nurse almost immediately after we left the hospital room both Shaileen and I immediately broke down and stared to bawl in each others arms knowing how much pain she was going through. It is the most bitter sweet thing I can imagine. Like I said earlier it is crazy how someone's best day can also be someone's worst day ever. We got in the car and drove home. On the way we put our phones on speaker phone and called our family letting them they could come over to meet baby. We were at home for about an hour before family started to arrive. It was such a cool experience to have out families meet him for the first time. There were many tears of joy cried with excitement and people were at our home until almost 10pm. We were exhausted. We got ready for bed and put baby in the cradle in our room. He did not want to be mon his own. The only way he would sleep is if we were holding him. How I will cherish those moments last night in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us. He was so peaceful and absolutely perfect. I know that Shaileen really appreciates that time she had with him also. The next morning we woke up and even face timed with some family. I got a message that read "I am not sure is K can do this". I commented back to them trying to be as helpful and letting them know that we are here for them. A couple hours later I got another message saying that she needed to talk to us asking if she could come over. At that point we knew in our hearts what was going to happen next. Luckily for some reason or another it took them about an hour I would guess for them to show up at our house. During that time Shaileen and I held baby as tight as we could and cried. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that everything was going to be ok. That he would grow up to be just perfect. Shaileen was so heart broken that she hardly said anything, she just held him as tight and as close to her as possible crying so loudly that I was starting to get scared that was was doing damage to her body. After about 40 minutes or so we both calmed down enough to just sit and stare at baby. We were brushing our fingers through his hair, kissing on him, talking to him and doing what we learned that he loved most quickly, tickling him. When I noticed that they arrived I told Shaileen not to move and to take him in as much as she could. I went to the door and as soon as K came in we hugged and cried. I brought her back with some people she brought for support and she immediately went to Shaileen and hugged her and started crying. It is crazy how much love we have for these people even though we are hurting so much. We talked for about 45 minutes I would guess with tons of tears on both sides. We finally said our good-byes and we let them leave. Shaileen and I stood there and cried for quite a while. The next thing was almost just as hard. We had to get on our phones and call our families and tell them the news. It was extremely hard because it was not just us who was invested in this baby but grandparent, cousins, Aunts,uncles, grandparents, friends and ward members. We had a rough night but I know that we will make it through it. We are some of the most resilient people I know. The thing we ask is to not have any bad feelings towards K and her family. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and we love her very much. Baby is going to be watched for and protected very well, I am assured of that. The one thing we would ask for is all the prayers that we can get. We know that Heavenly Father surely answers our prayers. Certainly not in our own timelines but in his. We do not and will not know his plan until the afterlife but I am assured that there is a reason for everything. I am so lucky to have Shaileen as my wife for time and all eternity. She is the rock in my life and makes be want to be a better person every day. I love her with all of my heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will be a Mommy here one day to a boy or girl that will be so lucky to call her that. Shaileen, when you read this know that I will always be here for you regardless. We will make it through is even stronger as a couple than when we started. I LOVE YOU!
If I feel up to it tomorrow maybe I will put a few photos on here.

How trials turn into good

When we went through our failed adoption placement back the beginning of August of last year it was one of the toughest things both Shaileen and I have ever gone through. When we got the phone call about 12 or so hours before we were supposed to sign papers saying that she had changed her mind it was easily the toughest moments of my life and most likely Shaileens to. It felt like there was no reason to live and we held each other and bawled in the middle of the brick oven restraunt. People were probably wondering what the heck happened and what was going on. We tried to sleep but we ended up talking for a lot of the night and holding each other. I think I actually cried myself to sleep until the nightmares came. The way we were both able to make it through the insanity was because of the love, prayers and support of our family, friends, ward members and coworkers. We certainly would not have been able to make it through it without them. After the situation happened I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason and that we can and will make it and will be stronger because of it. The main reason I am writing today is to express that it is absolutely true that things happen for a reason. My favorite thing to tell people that I gained from the experience is Shaileen and I are closer and love each other even more today than we did back then. She is the rock in my life. I love her so much and she makes me a better person each and every day. Another thing as funny as it may sound is it has increased my testimony of the gospel especially the plan of salvation. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Shaileen and I will be parents one day and that we will be an eternal family. I cannot wait for the day that we get to take our child to the temple with us to be sealed for time and all eternity. The thing that has hit me the most that I truely appreciate is several people that we have met that are in the adoption community. They have made us stronger people and we love them so much. You know who are. Trials bring lots of darkness into our lives during the initial time that we are going through them but when we fight through the issues we can and will come out stronger and better people because of them. Like always I personally want to thank everyone for their love, support and kindness towards us. You really do not know how much that means to us.

1 week later...

It has been a week since we found out about our failed placement. It has been the hardest time of our lives but we are
Doing much better than we expected. We are so thankful to our family and friends that have been there for us. We have been trying to find positive things we can get out of this trial in our lives. We have found that we can build our relationship as a husband and wife even better. We want to have a relationship that our future son or daughter would want their parents to have. We are also going to take the opportunity to be as financially stable as we can. I am so thankful for Shaileen, I could not have a better wife on the planet. She is so great in putting up with my faults as a husband and making me the best man, husband and future father! I cannot wait for the day Shaileen is a Mother. She is such a loving, caring, humble, and nothing but perfect person. This past week has been tough but it has been so nice spending every second with Shaileen. We have had the opportunity to reflect, talk things through, and cry together ! It has helped this grieving process so much. I have to say that we are not looking forward to going back to work on Monday and getting back to regular life even though we know that is what is best for both of us. We just don't want all of the questions that will open up those feelings we are trying to push through. We have gotten lots of these questions already and have done great with them but we are both scared of the ones to come. With faith and prayer we can and will make it through this huge trial in our lives. We have felt so many prayers in our behalf already and it is hard to ask this but we would like to ask for prayers still. Not only for us but for any birth mother/father and child. We know Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we will trust in his plan. We know he knows what is best for us. Each of us has our agency and we need to be following the things we should do so great things will come our way for sure!

Struggling...

We have the absolute best family in the world. Through the extreme pain of these last several days they have been there for every second when we have needed them most. We are so lucky even though it seems like we are so unlucky at the same time. Everyone keeps saying that this happens because We are strong but it makes me wonder what they see. I know we will make it through it but I just keep thinking that Sawyer should be here with us. Like I said he is perfect and that is hat makes it so hard. It is hard to think that it was literally a couple of days ago we were hugging and kissing him. We keep praying for strength and that we will understand thy will.

Failed placement

I sit up in bed at 2:30 am on August 3, 2012! Both Shaileen and myself cannot sleep. We have just had the worst day of our lives. We received a call from our caseworker last night letting us know that J has decided to parent Sawyer. It was the worst news that we could have gotten. It is extremely hard to comprehend right now what has happened. Seeing Sawyer has made us the happiest people in the world and he is so perfect. I think that is what makes this so hard. It is because he is perfect. We would like to ask for prayers in ours, J's, and Sawyer's behalf. We still love J and cannot comprehend the things that have gone through her mind and heart. With going through this adoption process and infertility there have been several times we have been angry at our Father in Heaven. We now realize that we cannot be angry, we our strong people and will make it through anything. It will take a long time with lots more tears but with holding onto each other and propping each other up we WILL make it through this TOGETHER! Again, we would like to thank everyone's continued love and support. Thank you for all you do.