Friday, November 2, 2012

What you should and shouldnt say about Adoption

November is National Adoption month so I wanted to put together a couple posts this month that have to do with adoption. I first want to say that we absolutely love adoption and what it has brought into our lives so far even though we have not adopted yet. Well my topic that I am posting on today is proper adoption verbage. I truly believe when anyone talks about adoption they do not mean to be mean or hurt others feelings. However, there is some adoption verbage that can do harm. I want to make people around us aware of these things so when we adopt or others adopt they are aware.

~ Placed vs Given up ~
This is a big one in our books. The correct verbage is placed for adoption rather than given up. When someone uses the verbage "given up" it insinuates that the child was not wanted. In all reality birth parents have tons of love for their child. When you use the words gave up it can also make the child feel like they were not wanted which is the furthest from the truth. There will always be a special bond between the child and birth parents.

~Matched vs Chosen~
When someone says that the adoptive parents were matched with the birth parents. It makes it sound like the adoptive parents didn't have a choice and whatever they were presented with was the only choice they had. We firmly believe that we are not only looking for a child but we are looking for our child. When we are chosen we ask for a spiritual confirmation that we are supposed to parent the child. Also, birth parents have the same responsibility in choosing someone that they feel comfortable with. They need that confirmation as well as they will be going through the toughest thing ever in placing.

~Real Mom/Dad~
When it comes to what to call the 1st parents it can become a little tricky. Everybody in the adoption triad may like to be referred to different than someone else. The thing to keep in mind is how would you feel if you were called what you are calling them. As well as how would the child feel. Some of the names the first parents like to be called is birth mom/dad, first parents, biological parents, natural parents, etc. Some people would like to be called one name rather than others. It may be smart to ask them what they prefer. This can also confuse a child because the childs "adoptive parents" are the ones taking care of them on a daily basis but they will also know about and coorespond with their birthparents in an open adoption.

~Once you adopt you will have one of your "own"~
This phrase can become really frustrating as an adoptive parent for several reasons, I will name a few. The first and foremost is as an adoptive parent we consider and child we have as our own, just as if we had given birth to them. They are just as good and we love them the exact same. Also, most couples that are adopting have fertility issues. We have gone to doctors, fertility specialists, had surgerys and more to try to fix the problem. Couples will always have issues relating to infertility even after they adopt. It does not resolve that issue. Yes, there are people that have miracles but it is certainly not common as people think.

I write these things not to put down but to educate. Like I always say we appreciate everyone that has helped us through our adoption process, kept us in their prayers, in their thoughts and talked to others about us and spread the word. Thank you!


  1. These are great! I never minded the word "matched" though. I feel Liam's birth mom IS our match! We are perfect for each other! :)