Cant sleep cause can't stop thinking

It has only been a week since baby was taken out if our home. Most days are decent but today I could not get him off of my mind. I keep thinking of where he is at, how is he doing, is he getting what he needs. We were fully invested in this baby boy for almost 5 months getting ready and preparing. We were in with our hearts 100%. I keep wondering what I am doing wrong to stop Shaileen from becoming the mother that not only she deserves to be but our future son or daughter deserves. It is hard to see her not only sad but hurt. She deserves so much more. I am laying on the couch right now because I don't want to disturb Shaileen's sleep and I keep thinking that this is the exact position I was laying in just a week ago sleeping with baby right on my chest the happiest man in the world it is scary how fast things can be taken away. I know deep down that things will be ok but I just keep wondering why. WHY?

How trials turn into good

When we went through our failed adoption placement back the beginning of August of last year it was one of the toughest things both Shaileen and I have ever gone through. When we got the phone call about 12 or so hours before we were supposed to sign papers saying that she had changed her mind it was easily the toughest moments of my life and most likely Shaileens to. It felt like there was no reason to live and we held each other and bawled in the middle of the brick oven restraunt. People were probably wondering what the heck happened and what was going on. We tried to sleep but we ended up talking for a lot of the night and holding each other. I think I actually cried myself to sleep until the nightmares came. The way we were both able to make it through the insanity was because of the love, prayers and support of our family, friends, ward members and coworkers. We certainly would not have been able to make it through it without them. After the situation happened I kept telling myself that things happen for a reason and that we can and will make it and will be stronger because of it. The main reason I am writing today is to express that it is absolutely true that things happen for a reason. My favorite thing to tell people that I gained from the experience is Shaileen and I are closer and love each other even more today than we did back then. She is the rock in my life. I love her so much and she makes me a better person each and every day. Another thing as funny as it may sound is it has increased my testimony of the gospel especially the plan of salvation. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Shaileen and I will be parents one day and that we will be an eternal family. I cannot wait for the day that we get to take our child to the temple with us to be sealed for time and all eternity. The thing that has hit me the most that I truely appreciate is several people that we have met that are in the adoption community. They have made us stronger people and we love them so much. You know who are. Trials bring lots of darkness into our lives during the initial time that we are going through them but when we fight through the issues we can and will come out stronger and better people because of them. Like always I personally want to thank everyone for their love, support and kindness towards us. You really do not know how much that means to us.

Children in Primary

This past Sunday was our primary program in our ward. We are primary teachers for the 7-8 year olds and love our calling. Usually primary programs don't hit me much but this past Sunday something in the program was meant especially for me. I was thinking while singing the songs how lucky we are to have children in our lives. How they teach us that things really are simple and if we do the simple things first such as being kind, going to church, praying, loving one another as well as many other things we will be much happier in our lives. I know this because the kids in our primary class show me that it works. Each child in our program put in effort to memorizing their parts so they could look out at everyone in the chapel while they were telling them what they know about Choosing the Right. How cool is it that young children are willing to do something that initially seems so difficult for them. I can definately take what they have taught me and apply it in my life. When someone asks me to do something I dont need to think about how difficult it can and will be. I need to know with out a doubt in my mind that I can do it. With that faith I can and will succeed. There were several kids that offered to do vocal solos as well. How incredible is it that they are willing to stand in front of a lot of people and sing their little hearts out. I cannot wait to have a little child come into our lives to love and not only for me to teach them but more for them to teach me to become the best person I can be. Also, during the program I caught a glance at Shaileen watching her with the children is incredible to me and gives me assurance that she is going to be the best mother ever one day. You can see it in her eyes and actions that she is such a caring and loving person. These little moments that come from being in primary is why I love it so much. It seems that I learn so much more when I am in there because the simple truths can get to me easier and I obtain them better. We had a little meeting with the bishop on Sunday to discuss our adoption process and how things are going and he asked how the primary is. We told him that we absolutely love it and he better never take us out. :)

Weekend of 3/30/12

This past weekend was very nice and relaxing. It was General Conference weekend. It was a little different than usual because usually we sit around at home and either watch Conference on TV or listen to it as we are doing housework. This weekend was different because unfortunately we spent it at the hospital. I wont lie though, it was kind of nice because I did not have any distractions while listening to conference which is not usual. I had the headphones in the iPad streaming through BYUTV and was taking notes on my iPhone.



Here Shaileen is trying to listen to conference while acting as a great daughter doing what she could to take care of her Mom. I could see the motherly instinct coming out. I can't wait for the day we are Chosen so she is able to use her motherly attributes for all to see.





Can't complain about the view either.





When we got home we remembered that my sister and her husband left on a cruise so my parents were watching their 2 boys (DJ and Alex). We decided to "facetime" them to see if they were home. DJ and my Mom answered and I had to take a screenshot of this because this is DJ making funny faces at us.



We went over and decided to make eggsnests to eat. They are yummy for my tummy. They are cooked in a cupcake pan. You put hashbrowns in the bottom and cook them for just a bit and then crack an egg on top and put bacon and cheese on it and let it cook for longer. After we talked in the front room and as you can see DJ was enjoying it more than anyone with grandpa tickeling his back. He looked way way relaxed.



And relaxed he became! :)



We really enjoy sitting and talking to my parents. It seems as if we can sit and talk for hours and hours on end about anything. I certainly love them and am thankful to be their son and am thankful that Shaileen is able to be their daughter!



In the afternoon Shaileen and I took a much needed nap. We never take naps but we slept for about 2 hours in the middle of the day!



Later on Sunday we went over to Shaileen's Dad's house to watch conference. It was nice to sit and watch with them as well. Shaileen did a great job taking pictures this weekend as you can see most of the photos are of me which that never happens.



I am certainly thankful for General Conference and how it helps me remember the way I should be living consistentaly. Just as Bro. Uchtdorf I think said "Stop It" to the things I am doing wrong and try to be better each and everyday. I have a testimony that President Monson is our Prophet Seer and Revelator and he has been called to the position he is in at this time for a purpose. When we listen to him and follow of the teachings he prophesies we will become closer to being who we need to be so we will be able to live with Heavenly Father again!

Thank you all who follow our blog. We truely appreciate your kindness and support in everything that we do!

Thoughts on Family Fast

We first off have to say THANK YOU to our immediate and extended family! This past weekend we asked them to have a family fast for us but more for birth families. It was hard for us to ask others to fast but we truely do appreciate everyones unselfishness.
A family member that was fasting sent us an email. I will not name who it is just in case they are not comfortable but we really appreciate their kindness. This person put together a real good lengthy email which hit me real deep. The part that really helped is they said that they were prompted to send a conference talk with the email. Man, the spirit can really hit you hard when he wants. The talk was "Waiting Upon The Lord: Thy Will Be Done" by Robert D Hales from the October 2011 conference!
In the talk he talks about how the lord went through many trials but it is how he went through the trials and his actions that I need to learn from. The Lords preparation began in the premortal life where he said to his father, "Thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever." I need to realize that I need to allow the plan to work its course. It is sometimes hard to understand why it is that when we are trying to do all of the right things from going to church, fulfilling our callings, fasting, praying, ect. we are still given trials and tribulations! Someone's testimony in church this past week really hit me when they were talking about how thankful he we was for the medical trials he was given because without trials we would not know the difference between the good times and the bad. From the talk I learned that I need to wait upon the Lord as he knows the eternal timetable. It says that in the scriptures the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. to hope and trust requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long suffering, keeping the commandments and enduring to the end. It sounds to simple but it is certainly hard to keep that eternal perspective sometimes. It says that we may not know when or how the Lord's answers will be given but in His time and His way. Brother Hales testifies that the answers certainly will come, his blessings are eternal not temporary. During this time of waiting/searching for a child we need to learn to become the best we can be with being tolerent, merciful and forgiving as Bro. Hales puts it. We also need to love each other as our savior loves each of us. With having a strong relationship with each other it will help in future parenting and show our child how we should be. We also need to take the opportunity to serve others. This not only will take our mind off of matters but it will help us learn to love others as well because through service is how we learn to love the ones we serve. In closing Bro Hales says "May we wait upon Him by pressing forward in faith, that we may say in our prayers, "Thy will be done" and return to Him with honor. I am so very greatful for the way that I was brought up in my family to know of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know that through him all things all possible and I can wait with assurance that everything will be ok in the end because everything happens for a reason. I have always been taught that there is not a trial that will be placed in front of us that we cannot handle. It will certainly take consistant work to overcome some of these but if we trust and have faith we can conquer these trials whatever they be! I would like to thank everyone for reading our blog as it helps us through our adoption process. (sorry if none of that made sense as well because I am certainly not a writer!)

Adoption Intake

On Thursday August 4 2011 we got off work a couple hours early because it was time for our adoption intake. We were quite excited as well as quite nervous because we did not know what to expect. Promptly at 4pm we showed up and met up with Amber which is our caseworker. She had an intern there with her learning as well. As we first sat down Amber asked us to tell a little bit about us and about our upbringing and then pretty basic questions came from there. Before intake we had a very general idea of how the process worked and what it was going to take to be able to be approved and to get our profile out there on the Itsaboutlove.org site. Let me be the first to tell you that it is a ton of paperwork that you have to fill out online. I am happy that this kind of information is required though because it ensures that we are ready as a husband and wife to bring a child into our home. We are going to try to fill out this paperwork as quick and efficiently as we can because we both believe that we are ready! We were both a little sad though because this past weekend was the Families Supporting Adoption Conference (FSA) and we wanted to go and learn really bad but were not able to make it. The next classes that we are going to be able to attend are in October. It is going to be a really great experience because we have been told that they have birth mother, adoptive parent and children that were adopted panels. It will be really nice to learn what others are really thinking and have a knowledge and background on how they really think. In the long run it will be really helpful because I know there are going to be times that we are going to want to know what to do in certain circumstances and how we should handle certain things and it is always good to be educated as much as possible. I just have to say that I have a testimony about adoption. It has really strengthened Shaileen's and my marriage because we have been able to work with each other through some hard times. We know that there is a certain little child that is going to come to our home one day and it is really meant to be. When we went into adoption intake we purchased this book about adoption and I truly did not know the churches stance on adoption. The first page was a First Presidency Letter that was read in Elders Quorum, High Priests Quorom and Relief Society. If you ever get the chance to read it do so because I didn't know the church had such an opinion on it. Anyways, we are going to take a couple of hours today to fill out a lot of this paperwork online. Wish us luck. As always, keep us in mind and do not be afraid to bring us up in conversation letting people know that we are looking to adopt. :)