Jax's temple sealing

What an incredible feeling it is to be sealed to Jax. Today is one of the days that we have been looking forward to for a very long time. Many people asked us how cool it was to go to court and have the adoption finalized. To us it was alright but today was the day that we were really looking forward to. I think it is so awesome that our Heavenly Father recognizes any adopted child just as if they were born into their adopted family under the covenant when we are sealed to them. When Shaileen and I walked into the sealing room it was incredible to see our family and friends there. We have had such love and support throughout everything we have gone through. Throughout the many heartbreaks in the adoption process it just did not effect just the two of us. It effected our family just as much. That is why it was so great to have them there with us to celebrate our FOREVER FAMILY!

Mostly it is just me that blogs but I really think it is super important to get Shaileen's thoughts from today. Here you go :

So my top moments in life, so far, are:
     1- The day I married my best friend,
     2- The day Jax was born,
     3- Bringing Jax home,
     4- finalizing Jax's adoption,
AND now
     5- the we had Jax sealed to us for time and ALL eternity.

Today was such an incredible experience. To know that no matter what happens in this life, Jax will be ours FOREVER!! This process of adoption has taught me so much. It has taught me to never give up, there is always something brighter to look forward to. It has taught me that no matter how lost you think you are, our Father in Heaven can help guide you back. It has taught me that PATIENCE is definitely a virtue. It has taught me that GOD knows ALL. It has taught me to be a strong, independent, loving, caring, hard working, confident, and funny woman. Adoption has taught me to never take advantage the relationship I have and can have with my children. It has taught me that no matter the struggle I can turn to my Father in Heaven for peace and guidance.
When Jax entered the sealing room he was thrilled, it was almost as if he knew what was about to happen. I sometimes wonder how thin the vale is for him still, and how much of what is happening in his life he knew was going to happen.
Today in the sealing room an overwhelming feeling of gratitude poured over my heart and slapped me in the face. I have so much to be grateful for. I feel as if we are always thanking those that have been a part of this journey with us, BUT sometimes we forget to thank the most important person. In the sealing room today, though everything that was happening, I poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven in silent prayer. I thanked him for this incredible MIRACLE he gave to us. I thanked him for trusting me enough to mother this precious child. I thanked him for allowing me to guide him through this life with his help and the help of my wonderful companion. I thanked him for not giving up on me through the years, and keeping his faith in me even when I wavered in my faith in him. lastly, I thanked him for being my strength, and for listening to me when I was sure no one else was.
I feel so much joy in my heart after today. Nothing will ever compare to the amazing experience of sitting across the alter from my incredible husband and our beautiful son, being sealed for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY!!! I know without a doubt that Jax was meant to be a part of our family. We will forever be grateful to his amazing birth mother Sarrina and the beautiful gift she has given us. She not only gave us the child we had longed for, but a new extended family as well. We love our Birth Family and we are so proud to have them in our lives.
I also just want to add that I would be nowhere without my husband. He has stood by me when others have not, at my lowest and at my highest. I know that God provided Kurt for me. He choose Kurt to be mine so he could teach me to be kind, generous, patient, gentle, soft of heart, and most of all faithful. I love you Kurt Reed Cline. You are mine forever and I cherish that thought. I love you madly and I am beyond grateful to share every moment of every day with you.
AND
Jax... one day you will read this. I want you to know that mommy loves you so much. I cried a million tears before I found you. Daddy and I waited, and waited, and waited and we know that Heavenly Father was finding the most special baby to send to us. I love you more than I can put into words. You have my heart little man. I know that one day you will be a daddy, and if you feel even an ounce of the love I have for you for your children you will be the best daddy around. I loved you before I even knew you existed. I have prayed for hours on end hoping that one day those prayers would be answered... Buddy, my prayers were answered with you. I love you my angel, you are my miracle. xoxo - mommy

I asked Shaileen to come into the computer room and not read what I had written earlier in this post but to just write down her feelings for today. WOW! I have no idea why I am the one that blogs because she can pour her heart out way better than I can. Shaileen, I love you too with all of my heart. You are the woman I had been looking for to marry but more importantly be the mother to our child. I love you!

Finalization of Jax's Adoption

 

Finalization Day finally came and has gone. What a wonderful day it was. As most people, we hadn't ever been to an adoption hearing in court before. When we first walked in the court house there were a ton of people waiting to get into court. We met with our attorney to go over paperwork and quickly learned that they hear adoption cases first. I was really surprised but it quickly made sense. Since the case deals with a minor it has to be closed by law other than family that we invite in. It was a pretty quick easy process and took about 20 minutes or so. My favorite part is when our attorney called on Shaileen and asked her how her bonding had gone and why she thinks she is the best fit for a mother for Jax. As you would guess it made me tear up. I can't remember exactly what she said but something to the effect of that she has never loved someone so much in her life. Later on our attorney asked me the same question. I answered saying that one word sums up Shaileen as a mother. Perfect! I also stated that when I was looking for my wife I wanted to have her be a wonderful mother. Never would I have expected to get something as wonderful as Shaileen as the Mother of my children. I can see in her eyes the love that she has for Jax. Not just a shorttime love but love that will last for eternity. After we were all called on the judge agreed that we should adopt Jax and it was all final. What a cool feeling. Honestly though, people have asked me how I have felt about being able to finally finalize with Jax. I answered saying that it really is not a big deal because we have the temple to look forard to. Jax is legally our son while on this earth right now, but on January 4th at noon we are going to be sealed to him in the Jordan River Temple for time and all eternity. What kind of a blessing is that? AN INCREDIBLE ONE!

 

This is a photo of our attorney Derek Williams and our case worker Amber Lingard

Shaileens Mother and Step Dad

My parents

 



Adoption Placement (signing papers)

 Today (Tuesday 7/9/13) is placement day. That means Momma Sarrina signed her relinquishment papers to give us guardianship over Jax. It was such a bitter sweet day because it was the happiest day of our life but such a hard day for Sarrina and her family as well. 

We got Sarrina a little gift. The main thing was this blanket that my mother crocheted for her. We have one as well which will make it even a little more special for Jax and her. Also, we got her an empty photo album for when we send her photos. While she was in the hospital she kept saying how much she wanted candy so we got her a huge bag of candy that was just for her, she said that she wasn't even going to share with her other children.

Some of Jax's biological siblings came as well. Here Tajia is 8 and Austin is 14. I think it is so cool that we can show Jax these photos as he grows up.

This is one of the most meaningful photos ever. This is after Sarrina signed the placement papers and was handing Jax over to Shaileen to leave the hospital. Like I said earlier it is such a bitter sweet day. I will just let the photo do the talking because it tells a thousand words.

This is the outfit that we chose to bring Jax home in. Its a little monkey outfit and even has a monkey face on his butt. 

Since Jax was so small and premie he had to pass a car seat test where he had to sit in it for 45 minutes to ensure his oxygen did not go down. Of course he passed with flying colors. It is so weird getting him in the car seat because he is so slow. 

This is our first official family photo as we were leaving the hospital. Such an amazing feeling. This photo is now framed and on our wall. 

Shaileen of course sat in the back seat with her new love :) . This is the happiest day of our lives. 

Jax got to spend a day in his birth mothers room

We were finally released from the NIY nursery and were able to go spend the rest of our stay in Momma Sarrina's room. Momma Sarrina had not held Jax yet because she did not feel comfortable with all of the drugs from the c-section she was on so she was excited for him to come to her room and spend some time with him. 

Some family was coming over and Jax had not had a bath yet because he was just barely off oxygen. Shaileen got his hair all wet and did his hair. 

It was finally bath time

With Jax being so small and a premie they said that he was going to lose his temperature after his bath so they asked Shaileen to do at least 30 minutes of skin to skin time to get his temperature back up. Jax loved every second of this. This is one of my favorite photos of Shaileen ever. She is an instamommy.

Jax has been eating like a champ (as long as we can keep him awake) he started eating 1oz and is up to 2.5 - 3 oz now. He is such a stud.

C-section for Jax

 

 When I left Shaileen and Sarrina left it was the longest hour and a half of my life. They went back to the operating room and they immediatly got started on the C-Section to bring Jax into this world. Sarrina was really struggling with a ton of anxiety grabbing onto Shaileens arm as hard as she could because she was so nervous. We know that she has the kindest heart because during the c-section all she could keep saying to Shaileen is I hope I made you a perfect baby and was worrying that he was going to be very sick and need to be in the hospital for a long time because he was 5.5 weeks early. As a lot of you know c-sections go pretty quick and especially this one did because it was an emergency c-section.

Even though it was quick in the back I was freaking out in the waiting room waiting to know what the status of my new son is as well as Shaileen and Sarrina. I sat there praying over and over for the health of everyone. Jax was born at 7:57pm at 4lb 8oz and 16.5inches long. For the first 15 or so minutes he was not crying so they took him away quick to get him breathing which they eventually did but we also found out that the umbilical chord was wrapped around his next 3 times. The NICU team was right there ready to take him away but with Heavenly Fathers help he did not need to go there. The doctors/nurses showed Sarrina her boy Jax and you can see from the photo the love she has for him.

Like I said earlier I was sitting in the waiting room freaking out because I did not know what was going on and my phone was going off the hook with family and friends wanting to know what was going on.

 

 

Finally Shaileen sent me this photo. It is something I will never forget. Knowing at that time that I was a Dad and our lives had changed forever but for the better. I immediatly felt the stongest love for this little boy that I had never met yet because I had only saw him through this one picture. My testimony grew in that one moment more than it ever has that everything happens for a reason and our Heavenly Father has a plan. Even though it may not go as we want all of the time there is a reason for it.

Shaileen and I put together this quick announcement to put online and text to everyone so that they knew that he was here. Jax, I want you to know how many people are here ready to love you and love you already. You are so perfect in every way. I hope that I am able to live up the the Dad that you deserve. Seeing you for that breif moment made all of the time we waited and the crazy heartbreak worth every second. Shaileen and I have since talked and we both agree that we would do it all over again to have you in our lives. We want you to know that Mom and Dad love you more than anything.

 

Adoption Panel April 19, 2013

This past Friday we had the wonderful opportunity to attend an adoption panel that was put on by Families Supporting Adoption. We look forward to these get togethers so much because there are other people there that are in the same shoes as us as hopeful adoptive parents. The thing I like the most about these monthly get togethers though is I want to learn as much as I possibly can about being the best parent I possibly can. I know that I will never be fully prepared when we are chosen but why not be prepared with the most knowledge as we can. At this panel there was a wide variety of panel members that were from 2 families. There were adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents, birth mothers, and adopted adults. These families this past weekend reinstated my testimony of adoption in my heart.and how it is such a great thing. The love that each of these families had for each other was incredible on both the adoptive family side and the birth parent side. This panel brought back some great memories of the adoption classes that we were required to take over a 2 day period during our approval process. Before these classes we were not sure what we thought about the idea of open adoption and were sort of against it too. However, after going to listen to the panels of people it changed our heart completely on the thoughts of open adoption. The love we gained for expecting/birth parents grew indefinitely. If you ever have the opportunity of going to one of these panels I would definately recommend it. They are open to anyone to go. The idea that lots of people have with adoption is not accurate, just like LDS Family Service's motto says and it is so true is that. Adoption- Its about Love. How true is that? Expecting parents place their children out of love and hopeful adoptive parents are trying to grow their families out of love as well. I love adoption and am so thankful for it, without it we would never have the opportunity to grow our family.

Cant sleep cause can't stop thinking

It has only been a week since baby was taken out if our home. Most days are decent but today I could not get him off of my mind. I keep thinking of where he is at, how is he doing, is he getting what he needs. We were fully invested in this baby boy for almost 5 months getting ready and preparing. We were in with our hearts 100%. I keep wondering what I am doing wrong to stop Shaileen from becoming the mother that not only she deserves to be but our future son or daughter deserves. It is hard to see her not only sad but hurt. She deserves so much more. I am laying on the couch right now because I don't want to disturb Shaileen's sleep and I keep thinking that this is the exact position I was laying in just a week ago sleeping with baby right on my chest the happiest man in the world it is scary how fast things can be taken away. I know deep down that things will be ok but I just keep wondering why. WHY?

Open Adoption

About 2 years ago Shaileen and I decided that we were ready to start the adoption process. We prayed and went to the temple and it was confirmed to us that adoption is the way that we are supposed to build our family. We knew that there was a good chance it would not be an easy process and may be long but who are we to not do something just because it may be tough even though it is right. I feel really awkward saying this but when we first started the adoption process we had a tough time understanding and accepting the idea of an open adoption. Open adoption sounds like such a scary thing. We went to the required adoption classes to be approved through LDS family services back on 10-22-2011. As we walked in we were excited to get on with the process of our adoption process. We were looking forward to learn as well. It was a 2 day course. The first day consisted of a panel of adoptive parents sitting in front of us answering questions that the group had. As Shaileen and I left after the first day of classes we were way overwhelmed because the panel of adoptive parents were talking about their open adoption relationships that they had with their child's/children's birth parents. They talked about how they love them and are so happy when they are able to get together with them. Shaileen and I talked as we drove home in tears about if we were really going to be able to follow through with the promises of open adoption. We were scared of co-parenting with the birth parents and just wanting that relationship in general. Were we going to be able to continue? The next morning we woke up and got ready for the second day of classes even though we were resisting it because we were scared of what else we were going to learn. Wow, I sure am glad we went because that was one of the best days during our adoption process that I have had. When we showed up there was a panel of birth mothers. Some of them placed many years ago, some of them within the last couple of years and even some as recently as a month ago. I personally was scared to hear them talk and almost didn't want to listen to them.

 

As soon as the first question was asked and the first woman started speaking I immediately felt the spirit in the room. It was so strong that I could not deny that there is an incredible love that exists throughout the adoption triad (child, birth parents, adoptive parents). The main thing that was thrust into my heart is that the birth mothers as well as fathers have an incredible love for the child. It is not as if at placement the love just went away. They really do continue to care about them and their well being. However, they still have enough love that they choose to place for whatever reasons that they have. Later in the day a group of adoptees (not sure if that is the correct term to use) came and we had some questions for them. Some of them have open adoptions and some of them have closed ones. The main thing that most of them said that they would want to tell their birth parents is that they really are ok and that that have turned out ok and wanted to tell them thank you as well. As you can imagine there was not a dry eye in the room. I was personally bawling like a baby. We learned a lot about ourselves and what we really want in adoption. The relationship we have with birth parents is a relationship that very few people understand. We love them very much and will consider them family for life. It may sound weird but I am thankful for the trials that we have gone through with our adoption process. With those trials it will make me never take my child for grantid and will hopefully make me a better Father and husband. I am thankful for Shaileen. She is the best wife I could ever ask for. With the things we have gone through it has made us closer as husband and wife. I am so glad that I get to spend eternity with her. I cannot wait for the day that we get to meet our child. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I know that with Heavenly Father we can make it through anything because it has worked in our lives this far. Like always I would like to thank everyone for their constant support, prayers, fasting and love. We have felt many prayers in our behalf.

Our story and views on open adoption

We knew from early in our marriage that adoption was most likely going to be the way that we were going to build our family. We have family that has adopted their children. They have an open adoption with their birth families that is healthy. To begin with we used to look at open adoption as a weird thing and not sure if we could do it ourselves. This all changed one day when we had our adoption classes to get fully approved to adopt. We were anxious to go to these classes to learn and meet people in the adoption community. We did both of those things but more than that we had our eyes opened wide to the adoption process, especially about open adoption. Our favorite parts were the panels of people that would come talk to us. There was a birth parent, adoptee, adoptive parent and also a special needs adoptive parent panel. We did not expect it but we walked out of those classes in tears because of how much we learned but I think it was the spirit that touched us as well. We learned of how much love parents have on both sides of the adoption for their child. There is a huge misconception that birth familes place their children for adoption and never think or want to do anything with them again. This is further from the truth from the panels we had listened to. Shaileen and I certainly have love for the birth families as well. We have talked and we consider when we adopt that they are equally a part of our families as our immediate family. We believe it is healthy for a child to know where they came from as well. In our family they will know of their birth family and know that they love them. I could write all day long on open adoption but I will cut it short today because I should probably work. Like always, I want and need to thank everyone for their continued support through everything we have gone through in our lives.

 

40 more days!

HOLY COW! Time is going by so quick it seems like just yesterday we got a call from J telling us that she wanted us to be her childs adoptive parents. It is probably because we have been so gosh darn busy lately but we will not complain because we cannot wait to meet Sawyer. Shaileen and I talk all of the time about how we dont understand how people can go through a whole 9 monthish pregnancy. We are dying already and it has only been about 1 1/2 months with barely over 1 month to go. The bonding experience being pregnant probably helps when you are pregnant, however we would be going crazy! As soon as we found out we started completing his room and it is all of the way done except for the bedding. We keep racking our brains trying to figure out what we still need to do because it seems like there is something for sure but we cannot think of much. It will be nice when her baby showers are here because then we can desipher what things to still get and what not to get. I am writing this post mostly because I am so excited to see Sawyer. I would also be very ungreatful if I didnt say anything about "J". We are so greatful to know her and already love her very much. It seems like we have known her for a very long time. She is such an incredibly strong woman. Through the many BBQ's we have had already I know that we are going to be linked throughout this life in a very special way. We look forward to the special bond we will continually have. It's kinda weird how Shaileen's and my thoughts were before this adoption process. Our thoughts on openness were full of scared/uneasy thoughts on whoever the birth mother was going to be. They would be co-parenting we thought for sure. However, after going through the adoption classes that we were required to take we had a change of mind completely 180 degrees on openness. There were several panels of people that we were able to ask questions to and have them answered by people on both sides of the line. There were adoptive couples, adoptive couples specifically with special needs placements, adopted children, and the one that hit us the most was the birth mother/father panel. I could easily say that there was not a person in that room that did not have dry eyes. We found out how important it is to us to have a continued relationship with our childs birth parents. Not only for them because they should never be forgotten but because it is healthy for our child. There are a lot of people that do not understand how we can keep that relationship because they are not in our or "J's" shoes. All that matters is that we are confortable with it and having a good healthy relationship.

We Passed!

Tonight we had our home inspection! Our caseworker came by and did a walk through of our home to make sure that is a safe place for a child to live (which of course we passed with flying colors!) and then we just discussed our profile. She said everything looked great and that she wouldn't change a thing (but maybe a few spelling errors... lol)! We were so excited when she said she would be able to finish our home study this next week and that we should be all approved and ready to go for our profile to be online through www.itsaboutlove.org in TWO WEEKS!! It feels like it has taken forever for us to get to this point. I feel like Kurt and I have grown so much by going through this. I know I at least have such a greater love for him now than I ever thought imaginable! Kurt is my ROCK and I am so lucky to have him. I am so excited to be in this new finding phase of this whole process! As always we ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers! Thanks!